Pull My Strings [entries|friends|calendar] Fujimiya Keiko [ userinfo | livejournal userinfo ] [ calendar | livejournal calendar ]

[20 Mar 2005|03:38pm] So, I went to Yuuko's wedding. And...I didn't cause a fuss. I just sat there, calmly, watching the woman I love marry some man that I didn't know. Everything that I've done in the past few weeks...every angry or depressed emotion I've been feeling...I realize that it's just...not me. I was becoming something that I didn't want to be, I was changing too much from the person who I was before all of the shit that happened with Toshiya... I was becoming someone who Aunt Kisa wouldn't be proud of. And just thinking that was enough... I sat around for hours the other day, just thinking. And as I thought, I realized a great many things...such as the fact that, while I still love Yuuko, I'll get past this. There was no reason for me to ruin her happiness by making a mess of her wedding, so I didn't. After all, I got over Toshiya...so eventually, no matter how much it hurts right now, I will be able to live without Yuuko. But right now, the pain is almost unbearable. Play me

[Private] [19 Mar 2005|04:17pm] [ mood | apathetic ] Okay, so this time, I'm innocent. ...mostly. I didn't kill Ritsuo directly. I did, however, send him some pictures [...which I found at Toshiya's] with a letter saying that I'd sent them to a choice few of his "friends". Namely other members of the gang he's in. People who would kill him if they found out he wasn't straight. Literally kill him- that gang is notorious for hate crimes against gays. Don't ask me why the fuck he was in it. Self-hating much? Anyway, I didn't actually send them...but I knew that if he thought I had, he'd kill himself- because suicide is far preferable to what others will do to you. I also asked him rather politely in the letter to write a suicide note saying he'd killed Toshiya, and for him to burn the one I sent...or I'd kill the rest of his family, too. ^_^ Really, he turned out to be rather stupid, since he did exactly what I told him too. Like Aunt Kisa always said, "You can never underestimate the stupidity of the general public." Or something. Either way, there are a lot of not-so-intelligent people in this world, and Yamada Ritsuo was no exception. Yeah, Ritsuo _is_ the one who fucked up poor Toshiya. He's too fucked up himself...if he and Toshiya had never been together, Toshi-chan would probably still be alive today. Too bad for him, he's not. Aunt Kisa. Hn. I wonder...what she'd think of me now... No, I don't. I know what she'd think of me, if she knew the truth. She'd hate me. If she was alive...if she hadn't died...none of this would ever have happened...without her influence, without her support...I have become nothing more than a violent, angry murderer. I could have _talked_ about this with her if she was alive...but no, she just had to speed that night. She just -HAD- to leave me...to abandon me...as did mom when she got well...as Yuuko has now... I have nothing but my music now.

[Private] [12 Mar 2005|05:12pm] [ mood | accomplished ] Yeah, I did it. I killed Toshiya. It was the only way to get away from him permanently...it was my only option. Plus, the bastard deserved it...he lost me that which was- no, is, most precious to me. Lost forever...I got an invitation to her wedding in the mail today. I didn't know that a filthy slut was hiding underneath the person that I knew and loved- but apparently one was, if she's getting married this quickly. I guess I didn't mean that much to her. Can you tell I'm conflicted? I want to be angry, but at the same time I want to beg her to come back. It's rather annoying. I must admit...that I rather liked the feeling of burying that knife in Toshi-chan's chest. And I've got my scapegoat all lined up, too. Next on the list...is Yamada Ritsuo. This whole killing thing really isn't all that bad. Ehheh.

[11 Mar 2005|01:16pm] [ mood | apathetic ] [Viewable to Yuuko and Utada] Right, so I'm not expecting anyone to believe this, but I can certainly post it anyway. You know in movies when a person is trying to hurt you, so they threaten to kill/rape/destroy the career of whatever you love the most unless you abide by their terms? Well, apparently people do that in real life. Because that's what Toshiya did. After I beat him up and left, he started _stalking_ me. As in he found out where I lived, found out that I was living with Yuuko...and he watched me. So one day he contacted me. I got a call on my cell phone, telling me that he knew where I lived, knew where I worked, knew about Yuuko...and he told me that he'd kill her if I didn't go with him. And I couldn't _tell_ her...she doesn't know Toshiya. She probably would have brushed it off. And I know she wouldn't have gone to the cops, because she doesn't like them...and I couldn't, either. Because he was watching me all the time...he tapped my phone lines, and I know he hacked into my computer...he was obsessed, and dangerous. The only reason I can even post this now...is because of this. Play me

[27 Feb 2005|06:24pm] [ mood | depressed ] Oh, my god...what have I done... Toshiya...I agreed to meet Toshiya for dinner. But after we'd finished, when I refused to go home with him...he drugged me with something and brought me there anyway. And kept me there...tied to his bed...for a few days. But one day...I woke up and untied myself...and went to him. I voluntarily stayed with him for almost a week. I wanted to see...if I could bring back the Toshiya that I had loved for so long. But it turned out that I couldn't...and so I left him one day while we were out...after he had seen Ritsuo...and been very obviously jealous of his new slut. And now I'm home. Back home, with Yuuko...where I belong...but I feel as if I don't deserve her anymore. The thought of going back to him shouldn't have crossed my mind for even a -second-...nevermind long enough that I actually -stayed- with him. Today, I find that I hate myself...and I don't think I can bear to stay with Yuuko. Because...I haven't done justice to the love that she has given me...I was unfaithful, and I betrayed her trust...I feel like...like I can't give her what she deserves. I wish I could get my thoughts together better...but it's hard when you're this down.

[03 Feb 2005|04:34pm] [ mood | contemplative ] ...Toshiya called me the other night. What. The. Fuck. I mean, I haven't heard from him in HOW long, and all of a sudden he calls me? And what did he call me to say? That he and Ritsuo had broken up. Um, okay? As if I cared? I mean...it's been a year since we've talked at all. It's not as if we're friends. Once he left me for that...fucking pansy, he never said another word to me. And all of a sudden, since his wittle Ritsu-chan's gone, he decides that he wants to talk to me again, telling me how perfect I am, how much he misses me? Too. Effing. Bad. He realized what he had and wishes that he still had it. Well, too bad for him, I have someone else now. I mean, not that it doesn't still hurt sometimes when I think about him...not that I don't miss him on occasion...not that I don't sometimes think of how it felt when he held me... But I'd never go back to him. Even if I have to yell that at myself, I will never, EVER go back to him. I could never hurt Yuuko that way...

[03 Feb 2005|04:26pm] [ mood | bouncy ] Our interview thingie went SO WELL! :D I feel like I'm finally kinda famous. >_> never thought that'd happen, ever. And all of a sudden, it's like I'm making it...okay, well, it's been like that for a while, but no matter. Yuuko and I are so happy ^_^ I think we should get a pet. Or something. I'll have to talk to her about it ^_^ Life is so good! :D And Mom and I are still kinda in contact. A little. Enough so that I know she's okay, and so that it feels like she cares that I exist. Which is nice. ^^; Time to drag Yuuko to the movies! I know, it's such a middle-school kind of date. But I don't care. It's cute, dammit! Play me

So here it is, the anniversary of the worst day of my entire life... [private] [22 Jan 2005|12:51pm] [ mood | depressed ] January 22, Aunt Kisa died. I don't think anyone realizes how deeply that affected me...I mean, I can say "my aunt died 3 years ago today" if anyone asks, but...she wasn't just my aunt. My mother had me when she was, what...16? Kisa was 8...It's funny, I'm thinking, "It'd really be nice if my family wasn't so fucked up" as I write this. But anyway. We were only 8 years apart...so we were more like friends. Best friends. Mom had me, and Kisa became my big sister...taking care of me, playing with me...she did everything for me. And as we grew, we became friends...best friends... I hate this day. This -season-. Kisa was driving...she'd just gotten a new Lexus...she was so excited and proud, and she was speeding...and she hit ice...she lost control of the car and hit a telephone pole...she didn't have a seatbelt on. Her body was so mangled...there was no open coffin...I never even got to say goodbye. That's why I never take off this ring. Because it's a reminder to me. A reminder of her love, a reminder of her life...

[18 Dec 2004|04:23am] [ mood | bored ] The Requiem concert was great! Yuuko did a reading on a guy afterwards, and she seemed sorta freaked out, but...I think it'll be fine! Of course, I know almost nothing about the whole tarot deal...oh, and she invited them over for dinner! I'm so excited about that...I'll get to cook for people ^_^!!! Mom will be out of the hospital soon. Still very worried...I'm going to go with her and help her get back home and clean up and stuff, because she's still going to be rather weak for a while... Play me

[13 Dec 2004|03:33pm] Oh my gosh! Yuuko is taking me to a Requiem concert tonight ^_^ Nothing like hot guys playing good music. It's going to be so nice to get away and have fun!!! Mom'll be out soon. I worry.... BUT NOT TONIGHT I DON'T!!! Play me

[30 Nov 2004|10:31pm] Mom's still in the hospital...she'll live, but...I'm afraid...she'll probably just go back to her old habits when she gets out, and I don't want that... I wish this hadn't happened. Because I didn't want to see her hurt. And because it woke me up...and I remembered that I care. Play me

Fuck. Fucking...fuck. [22 Nov 2004|06:20am] So my mother? Her with her bad dating habits... "dating" my ass anyway, but...one of her boyfriend...things...caught her in bed with one of the others. He came back the next night with a knife. My mother's in the hospital in fucking critical condition. Part of me is happy, because she got what was coming to her, but...it's my fucking -mother-... I can't type anymore, too hard to see through the tear.s.. Play me

[10 Nov 2004|01:21am] [ mood | bouncy ] Oh my goodness, Ukai-san's party was so much fun! ...not that I really saw most of it. *cough* But she did her place up all nice and had all this food...it was great. And Yuuko looks -awesome- in her catsuit. AWESOME. Utada's still not sure what to do about the baby...I'm really worried about her. >_< Yuuko and I are doing great ^_^ She makes me so happy...happier than I've ever been before. And Saku's doing great, too. We still have to name our album, whoops...I think I need to hang out with the rest of the band more and get to know them, too. *shrug* I'll have to look into that...we should have a girls' day out or something, maybe. Hmm... Play me

[23 Oct 2004|07:16pm] [ mood | confused ] Saku's album is completed, I'm living with Yuuko, she is the best girlfriend ever, and my life fucking -rocks-. I'm not even kidding. On the other side of things...Utada's -pregnant-. Fucking PREGNANT from when the asshole raped her. I don't know what to do...I mean, I don't know if she'll keep it, and I don't know if she'll go back to him because of it...I think I need to visit her, or something... *sigh* Life is so confusing sometimes. But Yuuko is there for me...and that makes everything so much better. Play me

OH MY FUCKING GOD [16 Oct 2004|01:32am] [ mood | ecstatic ] I FUCKING GOT HUGGED BY GACKT~!1!11!1! Yuuko and I went to his concert! And he humped and kissed his guitarist AND WE GOT BACKSTAGE AND HE FUCKING HUGGED US!!!! AAAAAAAAAHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH!!!!!!! I mean, this is the rock star that I've had a crush on for-ever- and I finally -met- him and HE HUGGED ME!!! Oh, my god. I am never, ever going to shower again. Well maybe I will but OMFG I GOT TOUCHED BY GACKT!!! Play me

Wow hi so I need to update more often... [11 Oct 2004|09:44pm] [ mood | content ] Yuuko and I have our apartment. Saku is finished recording. I am SO freakin' happy!!! ...because Yuuko makes me so happy. Play me

[05 Oct 2004|07:11pm] [ mood | ecstatic ] Bad news: Utada was raped by that asshole boyfriend of hers. I feel horrible. I want to kill that bastard...and I hate to say "I told you so", but I totally told her so...>< I knew it was going to happen eventually. Good news: Yuuko and I are girlfriend and...girlfriend. How funny does that sound? I think it sounds REALLY funny. But either way, I'm sooooo happy about it...we're getting an apartment together! And...end of update! :D Nice and short for you! Play me

[27 Sep 2004|12:58am] [ mood | annoyed ] First day of work tomorrow! I hope the offices are all fixed from that fire incident... I haven't spoken to Yuuko in a while, kind of miss her... Utada still doesn't have a job. I SWEAR, this girl is useless. And if she tries to bring that guy of hers over again...I'm going to pull out my vibrator in the middle of the night and start making sex noises in the next room. I still wonder how the rest of the girls from Saku are going to treat me...Sei didn't seem interested in me in the least, and Violette was hardly civil... Hey, you know what? It's a job. ...and our electricity got turned off yesterday. So I need it, huh. I'm gonna fuckin' KILL Utada. >_ Play me

[21 Sep 2004|05:25pm] What the SHIT?! Seriously, this is crazy shit! I went in to NG on Monday and somebody had like...set fires? I don't know! Sucks that my first day of work was _totally_ ruined... Play me

HOW MUCH ASS DO I KICK?! [19 Sep 2004|05:55pm] [ mood | excited ] I kick so much ass!!!! I got a call from NG...and they totally fuckin' hired me. I'm in this band called Saku, but fucking get this- it's YUUKO'S BAND!!! Rewind and pause, right? Okay. The performance went well, Haruka remembered every word and Yuuko came to see us. It was awesome. Then we hung out for a while later, I think she's the kickassest girl I've met in a long time. Then the _next_ day I went to NG and played and got hired and all that. The rest of the band seems to...not...give a shit that I'm in it, but Yuuko seemed excited, which kicks ass. Oh my fucking god, you know who called? Ukai fucking Noriko. She's the one who called me to ask me to come play for them. And you know who gave me the contract? Fucking SEGUCHI TOHMA! I have never been more excited in my whole life. After it was signed and all that...Yuuko taught me Saku's stuff so that we can start recording. Kicked my ass. :) Most fun I've had in a looooong time... Play me

[13 Sep 2004|02:37pm] Met a girl today, at the thrift store. Her name's Yuuko, she plays bass for a band that's signed at NG. She told me to send them some stuff, I'm going to tomorrow. She seemed really cool...I told her about my performance. It'd be kickass if she came. We'll see what happens, dude! I hope Haruka remembers all of the words tomorrow night...>_> Play me

Well, I'm eating, I suppose that's a good thing... [12 Sep 2004|07:29pm] [ mood | aggravated ] Of course, I'm eating Ramen...and that's _all_... The studios around here haven't seemed to need anyone lately, which screws me over royally, and none of the stores have been hiring...add to that the fact that Utada just lost her job and you have two very fucked women. I suppose it could be worse, at least we've got enough saved that we can pay the rent in the meantime. And get this, mom called today. She's a right fucking nuisance, has to tell me how well off she is with this new "boyfriend"...(read: client). Got enough money to do whatever she wants, and she's shoving it in my face because I disapprove. Whatever. She'll stop laughing when she gets some horrible STD that ruins her career. Play me

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